MIKE CAREY: I wrote for Hellblazer!
MOI: ....oh.
NOT!CONSTANTINE: I exorcise ghosts, musically!
MOI: ....
NOT!CONSTANTINE: With my tin whistle!
MOI: .....your tin what
MOI: If you say so, pal.
SUCCUBUS: I'll drain you dry and make you love it. Also, I have pure black hair, midnight eyes, and the rest of my body is freezing ivory, including my nipples.
MOI: WHOAH
SUCCUBUS: //is gotten the best of by Not!Constantine, vanishes for the next 200 pages
MOI: //pines
NOT!CONSTANTINE: omg no I broke my tin whistle
MOI: .....I heard that happens to every guy at least once in his lifetime, honey.
MOI: .....I heard that happens to every guy at least once in his lifetime, honey.
MOI: .....where's the succubus? She could fix these guys.
NOT!CONSTANTINE: No, I shall save the day! ....damn, I miss my tin whistle.
AMAZON REVIEWER (US): How can you play music on a whistle?
NOT!CONSTANTINE: I'm going to leave this pile of moral wreckage in the basement where he raped and murdered the girl he tricked into sex trafficking. With her angry, angry ghost.
MOI: Yay!
MIKE
CAREY: But we don't really want to see that, do we? How about some
manly heroics? Exciting guy-on-guy fight scenes! The hero saving the day with a recording of his tin whistle!
MOI: //sighs
SCARY-ASS HIT MAN: //turns into a pile of rats
MOI: .....you really went there, didn't you. Piping the rats?
MIKE CAREY: BUT, the horrible ghost that animated all the rats is still alive. Sort of. And now really pissed at the piper!
NOT!CONSTANTINE: "But that was a thought to linger on during some warm summer evening yet to come."
MOI: //sighs
SEQUELS: //are lined up
ONE OF THE FEW FEMALE CHARACTERS: Hey, you know how I've been the Girl in Schrödinger's Fridge for like the past hundred pages, am I alive or dead or what?
NOT!CONSTANTINE: Hush, I'm sexily lock-picking in my sexy lock-picking manner.
MOI: .....so where's the succubus again?
EVIL DEMONIC GANGSTER: Haha, not!Constantine! I knew exactly when you arrived, for I have caller ID.
MOI: ....SERIOUSLY?
KIDNAPPED GIRL WHO NOW HAS A BAG OVER HER HEAD, SO SHE STILL HAS NO LINES: At least I'm not dead.....
MIKE CAREY: Yet!
MIKE CAREY: Yet!
EVIL DEMONIC GANGSTER: Let me use these bolt cutters to snap your substitute bone flute to pieces right in front of you, Not!Constantine.
MOI: //sighs
SUCCUBUS: HELLO, SUCKERS
MOI: !!!
MIKE CAREY: "She looked like every woman you ever loved or dreamed about loving, miraculously combined, miraculously open and willing, like a solid sign of God's mercy."
MOI: KILL THE GANGSTER KILL THE GANGSTER
SUCCUBUS: "I'll make you so ecstatic in your agony that your soul will never be free of me."
NOT!CONSTANTINE: //concentrates really hard //scrabbles and finds only sad pieces of broken bone flute (no rly) //scrabbles and finds bolt cutters //unbinds succubus
SUCCUBUS: TIME TO EAT SOME ABDUCTING RAPING MURDEROUS BASTARD GANGSTERS
MOI: YAY
SUCCUBUS: //does satisfying violence to everyone, which is described much more briefly than the reported retrospective raping and murdering earlier
NOT!CONSTANTINE: //kneels and bows head
SUCCUBUS: "My mark is on you. I can whistle for your body or for your soul, and you'll bring them to me and beg me to take them. You wear my chain, which can never be broken."
NOT!CONSTANTINE: "Without looking up, without meeting her gaze, I nodded."
MOI: YOWZA
MIKE CAREY: How about a touching emotional reunion between the living and dead sisters?
MOI: Does the succubus come back in the sequels?
MOI: Does the succubus come back in the sequels?
NOT!CONSTANTINE: Oh yeah.
MOI: Okay.
NOT!CONSTANTINE: "Discretion is another virtue I've never really got the hang of, but I decided at that point that a breath of fresh air would do me a world of good." //leaves sisters to their touching emotional reunion offpage
MOI: HEY
SUCCUBUS: It's OK, in the sequels I'll teach them about the Bechdel test. And they'll like it.