Thursday, July 3, 2014

what reading is like when you're really spaced out from emotional shock

MOI: Hunh, this is like.....Constantine Lite.

MIKE CAREY: I wrote for Hellblazer!

MOI: ....oh.

NOT!CONSTANTINE: I exorcise ghosts, musically!

MOI: ....  

NOT!CONSTANTINE: With my tin whistle!  

MOI: .....your tin what

NOT!CONSTANTINE: It may be small, but it's powerful!  

MOI: If you say so, pal.

SUCCUBUS: I'll drain you dry and make you love it. Also, I have pure black hair, midnight eyes, and the rest of my body is freezing ivory, including my nipples.  

MOI: WHOAH

SUCCUBUS: //is gotten the best of by Not!Constantine, vanishes for the next 200 pages

MOI: //pines

NOT!CONSTANTINE: omg no I broke my tin whistle

MOI: .....I heard that happens to every guy at least once in his lifetime, honey.

MIKE CAREY: Here, have pages and pages of detailed descriptions of sex trafficking, rape and murder. It's so awful. Let me describe it some more, very graphically! In all its awfulness! The violation of women, done by one man and told to another!  

MOI: .....where's the succubus? She could fix these guys.  

NOT!CONSTANTINE: No, I shall save the day! ....damn, I miss my tin whistle.  

AMAZON REVIEWER (US): How can you play music on a whistle?  

NOT!CONSTANTINE: I'm going to leave this pile of moral wreckage in the basement where he raped and murdered the girl he tricked into sex trafficking. With her angry, angry ghost.

MOI: Yay!

MIKE CAREY: But we don't really want to see that, do we? How about some manly heroics? Exciting guy-on-guy fight scenes! The hero saving the day with a recording of his tin whistle!

MOI: //sighs

SCARY-ASS HIT MAN: //turns into a pile of rats

MOI: .....you really went there, didn't you. Piping the rats?

MIKE CAREY: BUT, the horrible ghost that animated all the rats is still alive. Sort of. And now really pissed at the piper!

NOT!CONSTANTINE: "But that was a thought to linger on during some warm summer evening yet to come."

MOI: //sighs

SEQUELS: //are lined up

ONE OF THE FEW FEMALE CHARACTERS: Hey, you know how I've been the Girl in Schrödinger's Fridge for like the past hundred pages, am I alive or dead or what?

NOT!CONSTANTINE: Hush, I'm sexily lock-picking in my sexy lock-picking manner.

MOI: .....so where's the succubus again?

EVIL DEMONIC GANGSTER: Haha, not!Constantine! I knew exactly when you arrived, for I have caller ID.

MOI: ....SERIOUSLY?

KIDNAPPED GIRL WHO NOW HAS A BAG OVER HER HEAD, SO SHE STILL HAS NO LINES: At least I'm not dead.....

MIKE CAREY: Yet!

EVIL DEMONIC GANGSTER: Let me use these bolt cutters to snap your substitute bone flute to pieces right in front of you, Not!Constantine.

MOI: //sighs

SUCCUBUS: HELLO, SUCKERS

MOI: !!!

MIKE CAREY: "She looked like every woman you ever loved or dreamed about loving, miraculously combined, miraculously open and willing, like a solid sign of God's mercy."

MOI: KILL THE GANGSTER KILL THE GANGSTER

SUCCUBUS: "I'll make you so ecstatic in your agony that your soul will never be free of me."

NOT!CONSTANTINE: //concentrates really hard //scrabbles and finds only sad pieces of broken bone flute (no rly) //scrabbles and finds bolt cutters //unbinds succubus

SUCCUBUS: TIME TO EAT SOME ABDUCTING RAPING MURDEROUS BASTARD GANGSTERS

MOI: YAY

SUCCUBUS: //does satisfying violence to everyone, which is described much more briefly than the reported retrospective raping and murdering earlier

NOT!CONSTANTINE: //kneels and bows head

SUCCUBUS: "My mark is on you. I can whistle for your body or for your soul, and you'll bring them to me and beg me to take them. You wear my chain, which can never be broken."

NOT!CONSTANTINE: "Without looking up, without meeting her gaze, I nodded."

MOI: YOWZA

MIKE CAREY: How about a touching emotional reunion between the living and dead sisters?

MOI: Does the succubus come back in the sequels?

NOT!CONSTANTINE: Oh yeah.

MOI: Okay.

NOT!CONSTANTINE: "Discretion is another virtue I've never really got the hang of, but I decided at that point that a breath of fresh air would do me a world of good." //leaves sisters to their touching emotional reunion offpage

MOI: HEY

SUCCUBUS: It's OK, in the sequels I'll teach them about the Bechdel test.  And they'll like it.